11 Proven Keys To Forgiveness – Biblical Wisdom When Someone Hurts You

Let’s just put it out there right up front; forgiveness is one of those ‘F’ words we don’t like. Forgiving people who hurt us, especially those who hurt us over and over, ranks right up there with getting teeth pulled, in my opinion.

Come to think of it; it’s worse than getting teeth pulled because it’s ongoing. The pain lingers.

While writing this, I experienced a situation with a superior at work that angered me, and I had to start going through the process of forgiveness while I was writing about forgiveness.

I’ll chalk that up to God’s sense of humor.

Admittedly, I have a difficult time forgiving others who continually hurt me. I’m sure some of you do as well. When it comes from someone we trust, like a spouse, family member, or close friends, the negative emotions and anger are impossible to overcome in our strength.

Right about now, this all sounds pretty depressing. Thankfully, the Word of God has some great Bible verses packed with wisdom to help us.

Like every other challenge we face in life, God’s Word has great practical wisdom and examples of true forgiveness. The Bible should be the first place we consistently run to and the first step in the healing process when we are hurt.

1. What does God’s forgiveness look like?

There’s a great story in Nehemiah that gives us a glimpse of what the heart of forgiveness looks like from God’s standpoint.

Nehemiah 9:17b (NET)
But you are a God of forgiveness, merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and unfailing in your loyal love.

This Bible verse provides a short but powerful description of how our Heavenly Father forgives. It’s all the more powerful and relevant to our lives when you know the context behind this verse.

2. Understanding how much God forgives: Jewish history leading up to this verse

In the 13th century BC, according to most Biblical scholars, God miraculously and with great power delivered the Israelites from bondage in Egypt, working through His servant Moses. 

Then they wandered in the desert for 40 years, struggled to trust God along the way, before finally making it to the land of Canaan that God had promised them.

After settling in their Promised Land for the next 829 years, the Jews continually struggled in their relationship with God, disobeying him and not trusting him.

They were ruled by many judges, decided they wanted a king like other nations instead of only relying on God, became a divided nation, and continually disobeyed and disappointed God.

By the time we get to Nehemiah 9:17, the Jewish people find themselves in bondage again, this time by the Persians.

In this chapter of Nehemiah, the Israelites have finished a feast and have a time of atonement acknowledging and confessing their sinful nature before God.

They acknowledge how faithful God has been and how their ancestors repaid God with disobedience and rebellion.

Nehemiah 9:17a (NET) 
They refused to obey and did not recall the miracles that you had performed among them. Instead, they rebelled and appointed a leader to return to their bondage in Egypt.

In the first part of this verse, they admitted to disobedience and rebellion that lasted for over 800 years since their ancestors were delivered by God’s grace from Egypt.

There’s an important lesson to be learned here about recalling the goodness of God. Many times in the middle of difficult circumstances, we forget about the grace of God we’ve experienced in the past.

Just like we have the Word of God to remind us of God’s faithfulness to past generations, it’s a good practice to keep a journal of your own life’s journey and the times God has been faithful to you. This is a great tool to draw on when you are feeling sorry for yourself and think God has forgotten you.

3. What is God’s response to being hurt over and over?

Forgiveness, mercy, compassion, slow to anger, and unfailing in loyal love.

Those are some pretty strong words of love for people who disobeyed and rebelled against God for hundreds of years. Rather than the wrath of God, we see the love of God.

Learning the history behind this verse in Nehemiah gives a new context to how forgiving and long suffering God is.

This story in Nehemiah is just one period of time since man’s creation showing how forgiving God is. For thousands of years, people have lived life their way, sinning and rebelling against God, and his response continues to be mercy, compassion, patience, and loyal love.

4. What does Jesus say about forgiveness?

In Matthew 18, Christ Jesus spends time teaching his disciples when Peter asks about forgiveness.

Matthew 18:21-22 (NET)
21 Then Peter came to him and said, “Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother who sins against me? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, I tell you, but seventy-seven times!”

There are a couple of lessons to be learned from this passage of scripture.

First, Peter asks about a brother who sins against him. The translation for brother here is a “fellow Christian” or “fellow believer.”

Peter is talking about someone he wouldn’t expect to sin against him. It’s one thing if a brother sins against you one time. It’s not too hard to forgive someone close to you who hurts you one time.

When they hurt you over and over, that’s where the real challenge is. Everyone has a breaking point and the only way we can truly forgive people, especially those who continually hurt us, is with the help of the Holy Spirit.

Jesus tells Peter he must forgive 77 times. Some other translations of this verse say seventy times seven, or 490 times.

Based on the characteristics we see in Peter throughout the New Testament, he was probably trying to impress Jesus by asking if he should forgive his brother seven times.

In this period, the Jewish rabbis taught that you didn’t need to forgive anyone more than three times. When Peter suggested forgiving seven times, he went above and beyond the standards set by the rabbis.

When Jesus responded with a number far exceeding the standard requirement, he was trying to make a point that there should be no limit to our forgiveness.

This is hard to swallow when you’re experiencing negative emotions from being mistreated by someone.

We can only offer this type of forgiveness because of God’s Spirit that resides in us when we accept forgiveness for our sins. 

All fall short of the glory of God regularly. Part of being a human being living in a sinful world is disobedience. We hurt God with our sins over and over throughout our lives, and yet he continues to forgive us.

5. Is there a limit to God’s forgiveness for you?

In the sixth chapter of Matthew, Jesus is teaching and shares what is known as the Lord’s prayer. In this prayer, he lays out how forgiveness works and the limit to it.

Matthew 6:10-15 (NET)
10 Our Father in heaven, may your name be honored, may your kingdom come, may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread,
12 and forgive us our debts, as we ourselves have forgiven our debtors.
13 And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.
14 “For if you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 
15 But if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive you your sins.

Imagine if there were a limited amount of times God would forgive you in your life. What if you made it up to that limit and knew if you sinned one more time, it was over for you? That would be a scary place.

There is a number that directly relates to how many times we forgive others. The great thing is we determine what that number is.

As long as we don’t run out of forgiveness for others, God promises not to run out of forgiveness for us. This is excellent news since we are all imperfect people and continually fail God.

6. What does forgiveness look like for us?

You’ve probably heard the statement, “forgive and forget.” Unless you can delete memories from your brain like you would a computer hard drive, forgetting is impossible.

The process of forgiveness is possible by doing part of what Christ God did for us on the cross. 

Because Jesus was punished for our sins, we are released of the blame the moment we ask forgiveness for our sins.

Likewise, when people do us wrong, we have to choose to release them of the blame with the help of the Holy Spirit. When we make this choice, we begin the process of forgiveness and healing.

I use the word process, because many times we have to choose to forgive someone over and over. Just like God chooses to forgive us over and over when we ask.

7. Forgiving people is really about trusting God

If I’m being honest about myself, forgiving others has a lot to do with pride. My natural sinful instinct is to avenge myself when someone hurts me because my pride is hurt.

Choosing to forgive is communicating to God, through my actions, that I trust him to handle the situation.

Forgiving is saying, “God, I trust you for justice according to YOUR will. My life is in YOUR hands, and you can handle this situation better than me.”

I know of no better example of this than the story of Joseph in the Old Testament.

Joseph was the favorite son of Jacob. His brothers hated him because they were jealous that their father loved Joseph more than any of them.

I can understand that. Hate is pretty strong, but if I were in a family where my parents loved my brother or sister more than me and visibly showed it, I would be resentful at the very least.

Joseph didn’t help matters any because he made sure his brothers knew their father loved him the most. He even told his brothers about a dream that they would bow down to him one day. 

With that, his brothers decided to throw Joseph in a cistern in the wilderness and let him die. 

God had a different plan for Joseph, and he was betrayed and sold into slavery by his brothers when he was 17 years old.

For the next 13 years, Joseph continued to be betrayed and was thrown in prison after being falsely accused of attempted rape of his master’s wife.

If anyone had a reason for unforgiveness in their heart, it was Joseph. Any normal person would struggle with unforgiveness not only for the people who did them wrong but for God.

There have been times in my life when I thought I was living in obedience and being a good Christian and bad things happened.

When bad things happen out of our control, and we think we are doing everything right, it’s easy to get mad at God. It’s a natural sinful emotion that we have to control.

There was a central theme in Joseph’s life. He continued to do the right thing and didn’t let unforgiveness rule his life.

Genesis 39:21-23 (NET)
21 But the Lord was with Joseph and showed him kindness. He granted him favor in the sight of the prison warden. 22 The warden put all the prisoners under Joseph’s care. He was in charge of whatever they were doing. 23 The warden did not concern himself with anything in Joseph’s care because the Lord was with him and whatever he was doing the Lord was making successful.

Joseph continued to trust God to vindicate him, and God did not fail. Likewise, God will not fail when you bring your hurts to him to handle.

8. From prison to the throne: A lesson in forgiveness

At the ripe old age of 30, Joseph went from prison to the throne after the spirit of God gave Joseph the ability to interpret a dream for Pharaoh.

Genesis 41:38-40 (NET)
38 So Pharaoh asked his officials, “Can we find a man like Joseph, one in whom the Spirit of God is present?” 39 So Pharaoh said to Joseph, “Because God has enabled you to know all this, there is no one as wise and discerning as you are! 40 You will oversee my household, and all my people will submit to your commands. Only I, the king, will be greater than you.

Eventually, God used Joseph to save people throughout the whole earth during a seven-year famine.

Even better, he was in a position to save his family, including the brothers who hated him. He chose to forgive his brothers, and what he dreamed of earlier in his life came to fruition.

If you are struggling with unforgiveness, this true story should encourage you. As I’m writing, it brings tears to my eyes as I work through forgiving someone who recently hurt me.

9. Get some perspective

We all deal with different levels of unforgiveness from time to time. The story of Joseph provides some perspective.

So far in my life, I haven’t dealt with hurt anywhere near the level of what Joseph went through. Never mind what Jesus went through, yet He forgave the people who crucified him.

When you are dealing with unforgiveness, reflect on the story of Joseph and know that nothing you go through is beyond God’s ability to take you through it successfully. Like Joseph, God will take you from the valley to the mountain if you trust him.

10. God wants you to forgive and will help you

1 Corinthians 10:13
13 No trial has overtaken you that is not faced by others. And God is faithful: He will not let you be tried beyond what you are able to bear, but with the trial will also provide a way out so that you may be able to endure it.

I memorized this verse as a child, and I’ve used it more times than probably any other verse in my life.

You are not alone when people hurt or offend you. Others have gone through the same thing and come out the other side stronger.

God is faithful and will walk through the hurt with you. Nothing you face will be stronger than the power of God. The presence of Christ in your life provides the strength to overcome every challenge you face.

11. Freedom on the other side of forgiveness

The next time someone offends you, abuses you, speaks ill against you, or does a myriad of other things that hurt your heart, immediately begin to lay your hurt at the foot of the cross.

At the cross, in his final moments, Jesus forgave everyone who hurt him.

After forgiveness came freedom. Three days later, Jesus was free from the tomb. He was free from death. He was free from hurt. Shortly after that, he was free from the bonds of earth and back on his rightful throne in heaven.

Freedom is on the other side of forgiveness. Hurt lasts for a moment compared to the eternal life waiting on the other side of forgiveness.